500 Fridays Newsletter - 2.5 min read Season: The Springtime (6 of 11)

The Guarantee

A few summers ago I found myself at the lake with some young dads. It was the kind of weekend where the conversation was rich and the fun overflowed.

As we sat around in the living room, the topic of conversation steered towards raising kids. Some of it was about the challenges of kids entering middle school and others about adding a second kid to the family.

One of the young dads asked me what it was like raising a son versus a daughter. Sure there are a ton of differences, but I wanted to answer his question in a super simple and tangible way.

So I gave him my hands & hearts model for raising sons and daughters.

Simple parenting concepts are never totally universal, but this one is close. If you start doing this when your kids are young, you should never stop.

It will shift a bit over the years, but the practice never runs out of impact. Truthfully we've kept it going all the way into young adulthood and don't plan on quitting.

Moms and Dads can both do this and it'll look different, which is good. Here is a major difference in raising your sons versus your daughters...

Sons need your hands.
Daughters need your hearts.

Boys and girls are unique and perceive closeness in different ways. They are consistent throughout their development years though.

• Boys need physical affection ... even if they don't know it.
• Girls need emotional affection ... and they definitely know it.

Being aware and demonstrating that you are in the vicinity of their everyday lives is a guaranteed bonding win.

1. Keep your hands on your sons.

It is natural to spend less time physically engaging your son as he gets older. You should fight against this tendency.

Wrestling or snuggling when he is younger should turn into ... grappling or hugging as he gets older. There may be more noises or grunts but the physicality means every bit as much.

If you need to tell him something serious, hand on his shoulder.
If you are proud of how he handled himself, hand on the face.
If you know he is sad or lonely, a longer hug is good.
If you are celebrating, give a massive embrace.
If you pass by him, a short pat on the back.

Not every family is an overly affectionate one. Be who you are. Every time you touch your son though, he connects your hands with closeness.

2. Keep your hearts near your daughters.

Knowing and acknowledging whatever the latest interest your daughter has communicates so many things to her.

Growing up over the years, girls go through a ton of phases. What was important to her at 6 no longer matters by age 8. It changes that fast and is normal. Staying sympathetic to her along the way is meaningful.

When she wants you to check out her latest artwork, ooh and ahh.
When she is ready for you to teach her to ride a bike, say yes.
When she finds a fun new show to stream, sit and watch.
When she competes with her team, be there.
When she is crying, sit and listen.

Recognizing what your daughter's heart is drawn to at each phase and showing interest is a guaranteed connection. You'll like some phases more than others, but don't fake it! Keep your hearts close together.

It's 2 things for 20+ years: hands on your sons & hearts near your daughters.

I remember when an older parent shared this with me when our kids were younger. It has held up as a solid practice for two decades and we don't have any intention of stopping soon.

See you next Friday,
Finley

500 Fridays ... book coming soon ​ Stories & Strategies To Help Parents of 3-13 Year Olds Make A Decade Count