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Family Friday Newsletter - 4 min read by: Finley Robinson

Why I've Written My Family Friday Email for Nearly 2 Years...

Siblings & Roommates

Today's story starts 10 years ago when my two daughters were sharing a bedroom.

It began as a functional choice for us, two sisters in one room. It wasn't without friction but they managed well. They were still young with normal 9 and 5-year-old challenges.

But 5 years into sharing a room together, those words could not be said.

It was ROUGH.

Drama every single week.
Frustrations over each small issue.
Teen and pre-teen angst spilling over.

Then ... last year once my oldest daughter went to college, the three of us paid a visit to the South's #1 female destination, Nashville.

We went to celebrate my daughter's birthday and it was so exciting to go on a trip together, a daddy-daughter adventure.

So how did we arrive at this change? Why did the age-old story of "the oldest goes to college and they finally become friends" turn out true for us?

More important... Why was it so hard to hold out hope 5 and 10 years ago that this might happen even though there was no guarantee?

Because when you're in the moment as a parent, you make the best choices you can based on the decision in front of you.

Bunk Beds

In our home, we had space for our daughters to live in separate rooms, but we kept them together for quite a while. From age 9-16 for our oldest and age 5-12 for our youngest. Why did we make them bunk together?

It came down to what we valued and hoped would happen for them. In all relationships, conflict, when repaired, binds the people closer together.

Here are 9 of the realities we experienced in our home about siblings who shared a room... and then lived to love each other.

• The mess is worth it for the rest of it
• Bedtime is a special bonus time for all
• Conflict breeds intimacy when repaired
• Sacrifices and stories are future currency
• Personality differences are hard but good
• Sharing and selfishness are put to the test
• Neither sees it from the other's perspective
• It's a (long-term) investment by the parents
• They will both say it was worth it, eventually

So what does this all look like?

Since sibling roommates have nowhere else to go when they get into a fight, they have two choices. They can communicate and make up or live with the poison present in their room.

Did we like the fighting and frustration between them? No. Did we know they would have to grow as young women because of it? Absolutely.

Was their room messier with two people living in it, sharing a closet, and stepping over clothes and bags? For sure. Was it worth it so they'd work together to keep it clean? Definitely.

I remember bedtime being sweet when they were younger because my wife and I could go in there and read a book or tuck them in. It was a two-fer. Then we'd leave and they keep talking.

When I texted my girls and asked them what they remembered (because that's how we have to communicate now) what they shared was so funny.

Games my oldest would play on my youngest to make her turn out the lights. How they admitted they were mean to each other now after denying it years ago.

My oldest told me "The best thing was being forced together. I was really mean then so I bet I would have been even meaner If we didn’t share a room."

My youngest daughter told me that she has more empathy for her sister now that she is her age, thinking about having to share a room with herself.

When siblings share a room, parents are choosing to place friction in their child's life. Instead of smoothing out their reality, it's a decision to pursue challenging circumstances and also bonding experiences.

For years I wondered if we were making the right decision. They both asked constantly to each have their own room. We had the choice but I recognize not everyone has the space to accommodate that.

I questioned myself and wondered if we were doing the right thing. In the end, we believed they would be better adults and likely better friends if we kept them in the same room for those 7 years.

When my oldest daughter stood on the football field at her high school graduation and I saw my youngest crying because her sister was leaving, I knew it had been worth it.

If you have kids sharing a room right now, I'd suggest three things:

1) Hang in there. They are growing more than you know.

2) Tell them stories. Share with them your sibling experiences.

3) Stay involved. Help them discover how to communicate & forgive well.
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Did you share a room with a brother or sister growing up? Are you still friends with them today? How is it going with your kids if they are currently sharing a room? Write me back and I'd love to hear from your perspective!

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