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The Best Test

The everyday life of a parent like you can be painfully discouraging.

You provide for physical needs.
You slow down for emotional needs.
You create fun and memorable moments.
You attempt to bring calm to the total chaos.

And yet, your kids give practically zero demonstration that they are "getting it." Rare are the signals that maturity, gratitude, or change is happening.

It's enough to make a mom or dad want to give up, check out, and lose heart.

I've had those days. Many, many of those days as a dad in fact.

But then something unexpected would happen. My wife and I would receive a spark of hope that kept us on track despite the day-to-day discouragement we felt raising young kids.

It took a while, but once I realized we were looking in the wrong place for affirmation that our parenting was working, everything changed.

Here is the truth, you're too close to the action to see it differently.

You feel every single challenging moment from your kids. They really pour it on when they are around you.

Every whine from your 4yr old.
Every bit of sass from your 7yr old.
Every disrespect from your 10yr old.
Every single eye roll from your 13yr old.

Why does this happen? Well, there are two reasons.

The first is frequency. You spend more time with your kids in this particular season than you will for the rest of your life. In fact, I read this week that between 93 and 95 percent of all the time you will spend in person with your children will happen before they turn 18!

The second is safety. As humans, we tend to let our worst traits come out and be expressed around those people that we feel closest to. Kids who know they are loved and cared for will act out and give in to their selfishness more easily at home.

This is why you feel discouraged so often. You are getting a volume of your kid's worst traits and behaviors on a consistent basis.

This is especially true when you've chosen to adopt the With-You principle of parenting. Now, it does provide the following...

• helps kids build social skills
• gives everyone stories to share
• places the family together more often
• introduces kids to a wide variety of people
• provides teachable moments and valuable lessons

It also creates a volume of discouragement on a consistent basis that despite your best efforts, your kids don't get it yet.

But what if they are changing and you're not in a position to see it?

The goal of raising kids is that someday they become adults.

What if you should be looking at what other adults are saying about your child's growth instead of how they act every day inside your family?

What if instead of being discouraged by what you witness, you could be encouraged by how others talk about your son or daughter?

As our kids grew older, they spent more individual moments away from our home. This is the normal path in our American culture.

Children will spend an increasing amount of time around teachers, neighbors, coaches, aunts and uncles, and their best friend's parents.

As our kids played on teams and spent time at a friend's house, my wife and I started hearing stories about them. We began to notice and hear similar themes about our kids from other adults.

"Your kids are really respectful."
"Your kids have such nice manners."
"Your kids were so thoughtful and helpful."
"Your kids helped us to clean up after dinner."

When I heard this, I wondered who they were talking about because it 100% couldn't be my kids! Were we talking about the same 9yr old?

They didn't demonstrate respect, manners, thoughtfulness, or initiative while they were under my roof that's for sure.

But we heard it over and over, and not from the same people. Coaches recognized it. Aunts and Uncles affirmed it. Other parents said it. Somewhere along the way, we began to believe it had to be true.

We were making character and skill progress, but we were too close. Families in the power-decade of parenting are not likely to see evidence of change often.

I know it's demoralizing to teach the same thing to the same kid over and over and over again. You wonder if you'll ever see a different outcome.

A decade ago, when I was talking to a mentor who had kids 5-10 years older than mine, this was the secret he let me in on, which is why I'm sharing it with you now.

What other people say about your kids when you aren't around IS the best evidence of who they are becoming.

Don't let the everyday life you are experiencing be too discouraging.

Who they are when they leave your home is the best test.

5 Ways to Be a Better Parent Right Now

​Ryan Holiday (of The Daily Dad)

1. Stop focusing on quality time. All time is quality time.
2. Develop routines and systems–for them and you.
3. Don’t try to do it all (ask for help).
4. Set family boundaries early.
5. Be patient.