500 Fridays Newsletter - 4 min read Season: The Cold Days (12 of 12)

The Dilemma

"Discipline" is a complicated subject for power-decade parents. I was texting a friend the other day about the gentle parenting movement that has landed in our culture today.

So many of today’s ideas are a reaction to what was broken about yesterday’s approach. While disciplining children is a polarizing topic, it is a critical part of raising kids.

My wife and I were young parents and both came from families that leaned more critical and harsh. We had a steep learning curve in our home but wanted to strike the right balance for us and our kids.

You operate in many different capacities as a mom or dad.

You are a provider, protector, and encourager. You comfort, correct, and coach your kids. You teach them, play with them, and discipline them.

Disciplining our kids lives in a unique space. We often bring our own family baggage into it. You likely feel like you get it wrong more often than not.

Discipline in the home is also very emotional. Think about the variety of feelings involved...

Hurt
Guilt
Anger
Shame
Sadness
Jealousy
Frustration
Aggressiveness
Disappointment

But discipline is necessary. Your kids need it and you need to administer it. I believe the word administer is helpful because we found there is an order and function behind the discipline.

What we learned and I wanted to share, is the purpose and why (not the how) discipline shows up in your home.

Protective, Corrective, & Connective

Numerous situations will require you to discipline your children. Looking at the bigger picture though, there are three main reasons you will need to administer it.

1. Protective

Kids need parent's protection and sometimes that means discipline is the best way for it to stick inside a young mind. We have a large wood-burning fireplace in my home. It's one of my favorite gathering places during the winter.

When my kids were little, we had to teach them not to get too close to the fire or touch the glass surrounding it. Sure, we could've allowed them to learn the hard way, but a small spank of the hand as they reached for it was much better than a burn that lasted for weeks.

Fast-forward to their teenage years as the stakes grew higher. When they would abuse their cell phone privileges, we would take it away for a few days. By removing the phone through discipline, we were parenting in a protective way.

2. Corrective

This is the most common purpose and reason why parents discipline their kids, but it also has the darkest downside.

There are endless moments throughout a child's life where they will need correction. However, as a parent, you need to determine when to lean in and when to let something go. Every issue cannot be a level 10 corrective situation, or you'll break their spirit.

It's also different for each one of your kids. One may sneak around or lie while another needs to watch their mouth.

A common corrective measure that we took in our house was focusing on how our children treated each other. Our kids were mean, rude, selfish, and hurtful to their siblings throughout the years.

We desired and hoped that by the time they grew up, they would become friends with each other and thankfully they have.​

For years though, that wasn't the case. Correcting how they treated each other took tons of time, energy, and practice.

Corrective discipline is how you shape and smooth out all the rough parts of your child's heart. It's a job that is never finished, but as their parent, you give them a head start through appropriate discipline.

3. Connective

This was the part of being a father that I wasn't prepared for when we had children. I didn't realize that disciplining my kids would bring out the worst in me.

My anger would rise, my tone would sharpen, and my patience would vanish. There was nothing quite like a 4-year-old boy or 13-year-old girl to unlock the darkest parts of my character.

But when I began to see how much hurt I was causing to the hearts of my kids and the health of our relationship, I knew I needed a new approach.

After reading a lot and talking to respected mentors, here's what I learned:

Discipline is destructive when done without connection.

What did this look like?

• It meant each discipline scenario took twice as long and I had to think twice as hard about my word choices.
• It meant that I needed to involve my wife more to get her special mom input and POV.
• It meant that I wasn't just seeking behavior modification for a moment, but I was shaping a young heart and mind for the next time.
• It meant that I was pursuing a vision for the why behind the discipline.

What did I learn in the process?

• It wasn't about my own personal control or our family image, but about the connection necessary for the discipline to take root.
• I needed to change first in order to make discipline about connection.
• Helping my kids see why they were being punished was way more important than the actual discipline.
• Being vulnerable myself, and talking to my kids about my own flaws that I had passed on to them, made it more about long-term change than a throwaway "I'm sorry" statement.
• The responsibility of discipline cannot only fall on one parent and it should be a part of your whole family approach.

There are 2 big mistakes you can make:

1. Neglecting to discipline your kids altogether.
2. Failing to slow down, learn, and keep getting better in your approach to discipline.

See You Next Friday,
Finley

500 Fridays ... book coming soon ​ Stories & Strategies To Help Parents of 3-13 Year Olds Make A Decade Count