500 Fridays Newsletter - 2 min read Season: The Cold Days (11 of 12)

A "Figure It Out" Family

Our kids heard me say it in our home more times than I can count…. you go figure it out.

It was used less when they were little, but with each year they grew older, they heard it more and more. I know they grew tired of it, and I'm certain I said it with the wrong tone many, many times.

That doesn't mean it wasn't one of the most important and staple phrases in our family, though.

Have you ever stopped to consider if you are, or want to be, a figure it out family?

The Tension

Your kids have endless needs and questions. So. Many. Questions.

They want to operate independently but don't have the skills yet to take care of it themselves. So they come to you for help.

Sometimes it's out of true need. Often it's out of laziness.

Get a snack.
Cue up a show.
Locate the iPad.
Start the homework.
Find the missing shoes.
Fix the problem of boredom.

The tendency in our home was to solve a lot of the problems that our kids brought to us. It became a grooved response.

• "Dad, I can't find my backpack." So I'd stop what I was doing and go on the great backpack hunt.
• ​"Mom, I'm hungry and don't know what to eat." So she'd start listing off snack ideas and make something while they sat there and watched.

It's natural and we all do it. But our kids need US to be better.

Now, the younger your kids are, the less often you can enlist this golden phrase, but you should start sooner than you think.

Try it out with your 5-year-old.
Use it often with your 8-year-old.
Learn to love it with your 12-year-old.

My daughter reminded me of the time when she taught herself how to use the microwave. I'm sure we'd told her to get herself a snack when she was 7 or 8 years old. She grabbed some chicken nuggets out of the freezer but then had to reach the microwave.

She pulled out drawers, climbed up the cabinet, stood on the ledge and pulled off a Mission Impossible style stunt to use the microwave 6 feet in the air.

Was it safe? Not really. Resourceful? Totally. Beneficial? 100%.

The 7 Benefits

1. Life is full of resistance.

Home is where you let your kids practice before you send them out to participate in the big world. If you smooth things out at home, they won't be ready for real life.

2. The joy of success only comes on the heels of frustration.

Yes, it is hard to watch your kids struggle. But seeing them think, scramble, and overcome is worth it for the joy they experience when accomplishing it themselves.

3. Kids are forced to develop resourcefulness.

Getting help from a sibling is a plus. Failing three times before asking for help again is a positive. Watching you closely to learn for next time is good growth.

4. Kids will identify and express new emotions.

It may take your 8-year-old three trips to the laundry room to find a clean pair of pants. Then they become angry about it. Dealing with deep emotions in life is even more valuable than finding a pair of pants.

5. You empower them without abandoning them.

Kids need to feel security from their parents. Solving all their problems may provide a kind of security but long term it cripples them too. Encourage their efforts and be supportive without doing it all for them.

6. They will develop a strong grit muscle.

Grit is in short supply in our modern era. That determined spirit is lacking in most young American kids. Grit will take them far and it is only learned when kids are forced to solve their own problems.

7. You connect with them emotionally but don't fix it for them.

Your kids will still need your support and encouragement. They will want to quit quickly and will whine a lot because you aren't helping them with their problem.

Affirm them before, during, and after their attempts, but let them go through the struggle cycle.

Cautions:

1. Don't be a lazy parent and use 'figure it out' to not engage with the needs of your kids.
2. Being a figure it out family often creates even more work for you, but it is so worth it.

See You Next Friday,
Finley

500 Fridays ... book coming soon ​ Stories & Strategies To Help Parents of 3-13 Year Olds Make A Decade Count