500 Fridays Newsletter - 3 min read Season: The Springtime (2 of 11)

Big Expectations

When we were raising young kids, I'll admit that I had unrealistic expectations when we spent time together as a full family of 5.

It happened in small doses when we ate dinner or worked on projects around the house together. But if I had abnormal sized dreams on a regular Thursday night, they were exponentially higher when we went on family vacations.

I have been accused by my wife of being too much like Jack Pearson, the protagonist father on the NBC show This Is Us. I romanticized family time at an unhealthy level and forced high expectations that made the moments worse.

I mean, what's wrong with wanting everyone to ...

• get along
• be grateful
• not be in a rush
• take beautiful pictures
• tell great stories at each meal
• end each day with a group hug

That's reasonable, right? At least it should be on vacation when we're spending money that we've been saving the whole year to enjoy together!

About 10 years into raising kids, after lots of missed expectations on my end, someone shared a transformative idea with me. It was helpful in framing my big family experiences ever since.

Trips vs Vacations

As you stare down spring break or plan for summer, it's likely that you have big expectations for the family trip you are about to take. Whether it's the annual lake house visit or you're finally taking the kids to the big city, you're hopeful for deep connections and epic memories.

A couple of years ago I had contrasting text exchanges with my sister and my best friend in the same week.

I was texting my sister about her current trip to Colorado with her husband and three kids all under 10 years old. She said, "Maybe we aren't 12 hour people. I think we are 2 hour trip people... parenting is freaking hard."

At the same time I was texting my friend who was taking a vacation to Nashville with his wife and another couple friend. They ate at incredible restaurants and went to several great shows.

Acknowledging what type of family experience you are dialing up is important, especially in your power-decade season of parenting.

I wish that when my kids were younger I had been ok with family trips that centered more around my kid's pace and interests. I needed to lower my expectations about how unique or special every moment needed to be.

Here are a few helpful perspectives that we learned the hard way:

• A family trip is often more about doing life in the same way, but in a different location and hopefully with a special twist.
• A trip is when you have a fun adventure with your kids. You also get zero rest as a parent most of the time.
• On a trip, your days might look a lot like they do at home. The only difference is they can try the chicken strips and fries from a tropical location rather than home.
• After a trip, you might need to hire a sitter when you return so you can get away and recharge a bit. You need a date after you get home.
  ​
• A vacation is a recharge for you as a parent. You call the shots. You get to try new things. Your time is spent doing whatever you dream up.
• ​A vacation is with no kids where you relax & come back recharged.
• A vacation as a couple is important because it helps keep your marriage alive, which is one of the best things you can do for your kids.​

It's ok to dream big and have great experiences as a family, but don't ruin it like I did too often. I was stressed because I wanted to make it all wonderful, like I pictured it in my head.

Enjoy your kids on your trips. Let them have their highs & lows. They won't ever be at this stage again. Tears will still happen, even for the parents sometimes too.

Know that if you're going on a trip, you will still be serving your family, making decisions and navigating a lot. Another time, take a vacation for yourself, because you're gonna need it!

See you next Friday,
Finley

500 Fridays ... book coming soon ​ Stories & Strategies To Help Parents of 3-13 Year Olds Make A Decade Count