Family Friday: Parenting Without The Puzzle Box 🧩

Family Friday Newsletter - 3.5 min read

Season: The Holidays (1 of 7)

Single Sentence From A Season Ahead

Weekends that generate opportunities for hands-on-your-sons and hearts-near-your-daughters always help you avoid the feeling that you haven't done enough for your kids.

The Puzzle

I'm not 100% sure when gender reveal parties became super popular, but I know that they weren't around at all when we were pregnant with our kids 15+ years ago.

I'm honestly neutral on the concept though the viral videos of things going badly do make me laugh. When will people stop using balloons that easily float away?!?

There is so much excitement about bringing a boy or girl into the family and it's fun to celebrate those moments with friends and family.

The problem though is that boy or girl only begins to tell the story of who your kids are. There are so many unique and special things about each of your children. Yet, they are only unlocked and discovered over time through your intentionality.

I so wish that understanding who your children are was as simple as what they are in a gender reveal.

The truth is, there are so many factors that make each kid unique...

What sibling order are they born into?
What people do they spend the most time with?
What characteristics are affirmed or disciplined early?
What personality traits are passed on from their parents?
What do they discover and embrace from their parent's passions?

Every child desires to be understood, loved, and parented in a way that is unique to them.

But here is the rub ... the individual knowledge and understanding of each child is more natural to some parents than others.

The Pieces

Kids in a family are a lot like a puzzle but without a box top picture.

You are handed all the pieces and you need to figure out how they fit together without a clear guide for many years. Like putting a puzzle together though, there is an intentional process you can follow.

Phase 1: The Defined Edges

When you're paying attention, you'll see early on the big pieces of your son or daughter's wiring.

Our firstborn and oldest daughter was challenging. I recognize that's a loaded word so I'll explain more.

We were young parents, long on energy but short on experience.

She has matured into a strong, confident and amazing young adult but those same qualities were tough to navigate as a 4, 7, and 12 year old.

She put us to the test as most kids do. I wanted to get everything right early on which meant I was more interested in how she was supposed to behave than who she was as a young child.

Then along came her brother, less than 14 months behind her at every juncture. He was completely different in interests, emotions, and temperament.

Having that comparison helped me to see what I was missing. Even in their early years, they needed to be understood and parented differently.

How they responded to discipline, received love, and felt safe became clear early on. It was ME that needed to adjust more as I parented them.

Phase 2: The Main Characters

Once the edges of a puzzle are roughed out, the next phase is putting together the faces, buildings, or animals.

Whether it's a puzzle with Luke Skywalker, Hogwarts, or Simba, the next goal is to find the main characters in the puzzle of each child.

What are the subtle characteristics you can see?

Loves
Pacing
Humor
Introvert
Extrovert
Motivations
Personalities
Temperament

Write them down if you need to as a reference. You will wish you had some of your old stories and discoveries someday I promise.

Phase 3: The Background Extras

My oldest needs thoughtfulness.
My middle needs encouragement.
My youngest needs one-on-one time.

I didn't know this until my kids were well into their double-digit years.

I noticed that my oldest was always asking to get presents for her friends with the little money she had. I then realized that small thoughtful gifts and acts were meaningful to her.

When my youngest was consistently the only one who would say yes when I asked to play cards or a board game, I realized that she loved 1-1 time.

There are unique nuances to each of your kids that will only be revealed as their life stages advance. Your job is to stay alert and keep watching for indicative patterns

Stage 4 (Bonus): The Other Hands

Putting a puzzle together by yourself can take 5x longer compared to having other eyes looking and hands working.

Whether it is your spouse, grandparents, or other family and friends, asking for their insights on your child's unique wiring goes a long way.

Don't forget to get their other sibling's input too. My kids have helped me see so much about their brother or sister over the years.

Every child desires to be understood, loved, and parented in a way that is unique to them. Intentional parents engage in the slow but fulfilling process of putting the puzzle of each child together.

See you next Friday,
Finley

Helping parents create a family and wealth that will last a lifetime.

After working as a pastor for 20 years, I am convinced that the most influential people in our entire culture are parents of 3-13 year olds. My wife and I were young parents and counted on the wisdom and stories of others to stay in the game. That's why this newsletter exists. In my role as an investment advisor today I know that wealth is not a number but a way of life. I believe that families should not be asset rich and relationally poor. If you want to talk more about how I can help your family with multi-generational investment planning, let's connect.

Finley Robinson · Investment Advisor

Power-Decade Parenting