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Family Friday Newsletter - 4 min read by: Finley Robinson

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A Single Sentence from a Season Ahead

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The Discipline Dilemma

So, I've hesitated to write about this subject for a while, mostly because it is polarizing and there is endless nuance for every family situation.

But I didn't want to neglect it any longer because it is a critical part of raising kids. Plus, we had a steep learning curve in our family and I believe this could help you too.

One of the many capacities that we serve as parents, is that of a disciplinarian. It is one of the dozen or more roles that you have on a daily basis.

We are a provider, protector, and encourager. We comfort, correct, and coach our kids. We teach them, play with them, and discipline them.

Disciplining our kids lives in a unique space. We often bring our own family baggage into it and therefore feel like we get it wrong more often than not.

Discipline in the home is also very emotional. Think about all the feelings involved. There is often ...

Hurt
Guilt
Anger
Shame
Sadness
Jealousy
Frustration
Aggressiveness
Disappointment

But discipline is necessary. Your kids need it and you need to administer it. I use the word administer because I believe there is an order and meta-purpose behind the discipline.

My focus here is not on the how. Every parent-child relationship is different and unique. There are endless variables for how discipline can effectively happen.

What we learned and I wanted to share, is the purpose and why behind how discipline happens in your home.

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Protective, Corrective, and Connective

There are numerous situations that will require you to discipline your children.

When you step back though, and look at the bigger picture there are 3 significant reasons you will need to administer it.

1. Protective

Kids need their parent's protection. Sometimes that requires discipline in order for it to stick inside a young mind.

We have a large wood-burning fireplace in my home. It's one of my favorite gathering places during the winter.

When my kids were little, we had to teach them not to get too close to the fire or touch the glass surrounding it. Sure, we could've allowed them to learn the hard way, but a small spank of the hand as they reached for it was much better than a burn that lasted for weeks.

Fast-forward to their teenage years as the stakes grew higher. When they would abuse their cell phone privileges, we would take it away for a few days.

The addictive nature of social media and the gamification of apps were hijacking their minds. By removing the phone via discipline, we were acting in a protective way.

2. Corrective

This is the most likely purpose and reason why parents discipline their kids, but it also has the darkest downside.

There are endless moments over the course of a child's life where they will need correction, but you as the parent must determine when to lean in and when to let something go.

It's different for each one of your kids too. One may sneak around or lie while another needs to watch their mouth.

A common corrective measure that we took in our house was focusing on how our children treated each other. We desired and hoped that by the time they grew up, they would become friends with each other.​

I'm thankful that is true today, but for years it wasn't the case. Correcting how they treated each other took tons of time, energy, and practice.

Our kids were mean, rude selfish, and hurtful to their siblings at times. When that happened, they were punished. When they were thoughtful though, we praised and affirmed them.

Corrective discipline is how you shape and smooth out all the rough parts of your child's heart. It's a job that is never finished, but as their parent, you give them a head start through appropriate discipline.

3. Connective

This was the part of being a father that I wasn't prepared for when we had children. I didn't realize that disciplining my kids would bring out the worst in me.

My anger would rise, my tone would sharpen, and my patience would vanish. There is nothing quite like a 4-year-old boy or 13-year-old girl to unlock the darkest parts of your character.

When I began to see how much hurt I was causing to the hearts of my kids and to the health of our relationship, I knew I needed a new approach.

After reading a lot and talking to respected mentors, here's what I learned. Administering discipline to our kids in a protective and corrective way also needs to be done in a connective way.

What did this look like? It meant each discipline scenario took twice as long and I had to think twice as hard about my word choices. It meant that I needed to involve my wife more to get her input and POV.

It meant that I wasn't just seeking behavior modification for a moment, but I was shaping a young heart and mind for the next time. It meant that I was pursuing a vision for the why behind the discipline.

It wasn't about my own personal control or our family image, but about the connection necessary for the discipline to take root.

I needed to change first in order to make discipline about connection. Helping my kids see why they were being punished was way more important than the actual discipline.

Being vulnerable myself, and talking to my kids about my own flaws that I had passed on to them made it more about long-term change than a throwaway "I'm sorry" statement.

The responsibility of discipline shouldn't only fall on one parent and it shouldn't be done without understanding the why behind it all.

There are 2 mistakes you can make:

1. Neglecting to discipline your kids altogether.
2. Failing to slow down, learn and keep getting better in your approach.

If you have questions, concerns, or comments about this tough subject, I'd love to hear them. Feel free to reply back and share your thoughts with me!

Finley

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