500 Fridays Newsletter - 3 min read Season: The Full Fall (3 of 12)

Delayed Gratification

A lot has changed for families since my wife and I became parents 20 years ago. The biggest and most noticeable difference I see today is the speed to appease that is possible in our society.

Think about how quickly someone in your family can think of something they want and then have it almost immediately.

• Disney+ ... Watch Bluey in less that 10 seconds.
• Amazon Prime ... Checkout and it arrives in 2 days.
• Life360 ... Know where your teenager is in an instant.
• Chick-Fil-A ... Order on the app and pick up in 5 minutes.

The power-decade parents of today are raising kids at a time when the speed to appease is at a historical and all-time high.

With these changes comes a significant problem. My wife and I faced it, but the challenge is even greater for your kids.

Your kids are rarely allowed to learn the secret powers of delayed gratification. The ability to exercise self-control and wait for something you desire is what separates adults from children. Kids today have fewer opportunities than ever to develop those skills.

Out of all the character-building we wanted to see happen in our kids, delayed gratification lived on an island alone. It was unique because it was both a top priority and the hardest to teach.

You have a difficult job in front of you. In today's speed to appease society, you now have to manufacture moments. Kids will only practice delayed gratification if you create opportunities for them.

I know it can feel arbitrary or even like a punishment, but I promise your kids need to experience it. To go immediately from 'desire' to 'access' only reinforces that as they get older, kids can have whatever they want and have it now.

One of my current favorite family authors, Jeremy Pryor, describes it this way...

One of the least enjoyable words I had to use as a Dad was 'no.' However, the secret powers of delayed gratification aren't unlocked unless you use it.

You are aware that kids ages 3-13 can display huge emotions when they are told no. You are in their lives to help teach them how to wait for something better in the future. But the younger they are, the more likely they are to eat the fruit snacks you told them not to.

In our home, we discovered there were 3 different kinds of NO from mom or dad. They all had different time horizons attached.

1. "No, not ever." This was final. It's not going to happen.
2. "No, not now." This was indefinite. I'm too tired to decide.
3. "No, but later." This was delayed. You need to be patient.

When you are teaching your kids delayed gratification, you are using "No, but later" as your answer. I'll warn you, this is the most exhausting but often the most useful.

Too often I used the "No, not now" because I wanted to get my kids off my back. All it did was leave them more frustrated. Instead, here is what "No, but later" accomplishes for your kids...

• It acknowledges they have a need or desire.
• It places a temporary wall in the way of their desire.
• It gives them hope that someday that desire will be met.
• It creates a tangible amount of time they will need to wait.

I know that in your season of parenting, it feels like you're an ATM that only spits out the word NO every time a button is pushed.

If you want to see all of those NO's redeemed as often as possible, then use them to teach delayed gratification to your kids. It will require patience from you, empathy for them, and effort to be intentional.

Choose a few specific areas to teach delayed gratification then you will set your kids apart and enable them to flourish as an adult.

See you next Friday,
Finley

500 Fridays ... book coming soon ​ Stories & Strategies To Help Parents of 3-13 Year Olds Make A Decade Count