500 Fridays Newsletter - 2.5 min read Season: The Cold Days (6 of 12)

Build The Connection

The teenage season of parenting gets a ton of bad press.

My wife and I were told several narratives by others that proved false in our family. After our power-decade season of parenting had wrapped up, we expected something different, but were surprised by the teenage years.

• They don't need you anymore...not true.
• They hardly ever open up and talk about their lives...false.
• They just want to be with their friends and not their family...nope.
• They think you aren't cool...ok, kinda true.

On the other side of your power-decade years, there is a new season for sure, but it's built on the foundation you are building now. The entire future you have with your kids is shaped by the practices in your home today.

So this begs the question: How does that happen today so that you have a good relationship with them when they are teenagers and beyond?

The Do's & Don'ts

It is so easy as a parent to spend the majority of your time living above the emotional needs of your kids.

I know we would often default to the task, the meal, or the miles instead of the heart.

They need you to understand them more than to serve them.
They need you to nurture them more than to drive them around.
They need you to connect with them more than to spend money on them.

How does this happen consistently?

1. First, you have to slow down.

Heart connections never happen at speed. Train cars, space shuttles, and cruise ships don't dock at 100mph.

If you are a high-speed family like ours, it can be challenging and unnatural. You might feel like you are wasting time or falling behind.

But remember, kids in your season don't want life to go by at a rapid pace. They want to feel safe and secure more than anything else.

2. Second, listen and learn their unique ways of connecting with you.

My oldest daughter is super active today and our most social. When she was little, she wanted to go wherever we went. Shopping, to a party, out to eat. It didn't matter what we did. She just never wanted to be alone.

My son is our most fun-loving. He wanted parks and games on the trampoline and Lego Star Wars on the Wii as a way to be with us. To this day, he's the glue that connects us all as a family.

My youngest daughter is creative and caring. As our third child, she wanted individual time because she rarely got it. Reading a book in bed or getting ice cream with only her was how she felt loved and listened to by us.

3. Third, look for ways to be real and vulnerable with them from an early age.

We all know as adults that life is challenging and hard at times.

Share your struggles with your kids. If you had a hard day at work, let them know. Don't use it as an excuse to disengage, but rather as an opportunity to connect with them.

If something has hurt you or made you sad, tell them why. Create a culture of openness by sharing emotions in your family, and I promise you that this practice will remain through the teenage years and beyond.

Young kids view their parents as finished products. Remind them we are still very much a work in progress.

Slow down.
Listen and Learn.
Be real and vulnerable.

It pays the biggest dividends year after year in your relationship with them. It also gives you the best chance that they will still love home when they leave one day.

See You Next Friday - Finley

500 Fridays ... book coming soon ​ Stories & Strategies To Help Parents of 3-13 Year Olds Make A Decade Count